The sorcerer’s apprentice


The government is set to outline its plans to revolutionize the recruitment crisis in teaching later today. A new apprenticeship scheme, aimed at eleven-year-olds, will allow them to train as teachers in the very schools they left six weeks previously. This exciting new development seeks to bolster the teaching profession that has been in decline ever since additional routes into the education profession were established several years ago.

The details of the scheme will be published on the Department for Education’s Pinterest account and will be available as a series of downloadable 6 second video vines that the trainees can access on their mobile devices as they progress through the course.

The reason behind the new apprentice scheme has been described by its designers as ‘ingenious’. What better way to create new teachers, in a manner that is economically viable, than to entrust the profession to the very people it aims to serve: children. For too long the profession has been populated by adults who, with their degrees and qualified teacher status, have low level relatability to the children in their classes. This new generation of teachers will be able to reach out and touch the hearts and minds of their pupils whilst simultaneously being unable to touch the floor with their feet when sitting on big chairs.

This scheme will also help the DfE overhaul the Key Stage 3 curriculum, again. As more and more eleven–year-olds are selected to remain in primary schools to teach, so will the number of children achieving GCSEs fall. To counteract this, a new set of GCSE subjects are to be introduced which the apprentices will work towards whilst completing their training. These new subjects will include traditionalism, progressivism, photocopier engineering and twitter etiquette. Critics have argued that traditional subjects, such as literacy and mathematics, will suffer as a result of these new GCSEs but, considering the ridiculously high level of the primary curriculum, nobody needs to know anything beyond Year 5 maths, spelling, punctuation and grammar, so, it doesn’t really matter.

This new generation of teachers will be automatically selected based on their standardized score at the end of Year 6 and the quality of their teachers’ personal comments in their end of year report. Children who do not meet the grade will either continue to secondary school or be used as teaching assistants. This scheme is particularly aimed at pupils who may not take seriously the possibility of a degree, putting a fresh spin on an old saying: Those that could do, but can’t be arsed, teach.  A spokesperson from the DfE said that ‘this is exactly the shot in the head the teaching profession needs right now.’

Current teachers, who have repeatedly complained about their workload, will now benefit from having less time in class as they concentrate on writing training materials, producing assessment modules, delivering after-school-club seminars, completing the trainees’ induction programme, organizing the graduation ceremony and building a new staff room. To enable this, all teachers will now work an eight-day week, with the exception of the apprentices who will need to be home by 5:30pm for their tea and keep Saturdays free for chasing Pokémons.

It is expected that behaviour in schools will also improve. Some critics have said that this is absurd as it is impossible to think that an eleven-year-old could effectively sanction another eleven-year-old. The DfE, however, is giving these teachers new social media powers to combat this problem. With each new apprentice, a school Yik-Yak account will be created, allowing the trainee teachers to unleash a series of new and inventive online discipline opportunities, the likes of which qualified teachers would never even have the techno-sense to consider, or find morally and ethically viable.

One thing is for certain and that’s that this new breed of teachers won’t be hampered by an extensive knowledge of pedagogy or understanding of teaching and learning. Instead they will be free to condense the unwieldly national curriculum into bitesize and snapchattable nuggets of information that their classes will be able to download using the newly designed DfE-Edu-App. And all at a reduced cost to the tax-payer and a lowered public opinion of teachers. How could it possibly go wrong? Click here to register your interest.

Image courtesy of @SDupp

One thought on “The sorcerer’s apprentice

  1. Helen August 21, 2016 / 3:53 pm

    This really made me chuckle – thanks. But please don’t give the DfE ideas! Ideas are dangerous 😉

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