Welcome to the hippest convention of 2017. The UK’s first single-genre uni-platformed mass event for the introverted edu-nation. The event promises to see tens of edu-bloggers and tweeters gathering in the Shepton Mallet Scout hut to celebrate, and learn even more about, the distinguished art of trolling.
First up, we have a key-note delivered by a distinguished troll who will work the crowd into a frenzy by reading out a choice selection of their most tedious comments. We don’t want to give any spoilers but we’re pretty sure we’ll see some old favourites such as:
@******* thinks what I do is wrong.
Replying to @******* Um, yes you do!
Replying to @******* you implied it by stating the opposite.
Replying to @******* I’m not being abusive, this is how a debate works.
Replying to @******* find me a tweet where I said that.
Replying to @******* that’s not what I meant.
Replying to @******* you clearly don’t understand.
Replying to @******* you’ve proved my point. Goodbye.
Once inside the hut, fans will get the chance to visit all our trolling guests who will be hanging around the place waiting to have their pictures taken with you. Why not ask them to send you a trolling tweet?
Regular insult: £5
Example: You’re clearly nothing more than a left-wing progressive.
Special insult: £10
Example: You’re clearly nothing more than right-wing alt-trad monster.
Example: So apparently, the person that just paid me for a sub-tweet thinks accepting money to be unpleasant is morally reprehensible. They didn’t mind paying for it though, did they? What a hypocrite.
The main event, of course, is our ‘battle of the trolls’. Gather around your own phone screen and watch a plethora of online arguments begin. Each conversation, sorry, ‘trollersation’ will begin with a seemingly innocent link to a moderate education blog, but will quickly descend into flurry of tedious online abuse. You will be amazed by how long these things can go on for. You will be flabbergasted by the lengths our trolls will go to in order to win. Expect to see a range of out-of-context tweets, from as far back as 2007, being used to make apparently relevant points. Only the dull will survive.
For those who paid for our advanced ticket, you will be able to tune into Troll FM where some our distinguished guests will be providing a commentary to the online trollification. Hear their uninteresting views about why the comments from their friends do not count as abuse. Listen to their analysis about why they are right and how any other viewpoint should be considered as a passive-aggressive attack on them.
The convention will end with the medal ceremony where our most successful trolls of the day will be bestowed with the honour of becoming blocked. Each winner will have their username taken away from them and be given a new duller twitter handle accompanied by an egg profile pic.
But it doesn’t end there….
The after-party is where it really heats up. Follow the hashtag and expose yourself to the truly explicit and hate-fuelled bile that is online trolling. Get caught up in the moment and maybe even dip your own toe into the cesspool. See how much happier you feel when you trade genuine discussion for insults, social graces for pathetic one-upmanship, your real-life sense of worth for online status. Enjoy the dizzying highs that can only be achieved by hounding people for longer than is necessary as you degrade your own professional currency with a trumped up artificial sense of superiority. Take pleasure in the self-perpetuating myth that you are the only one who isn’t afraid to tell the truth. Convince yourself that what you are saying matters.
So, what are you waiting for…get trolling!*
*Obviously, don’t. You idiot.