Bring me the head of @oldprimaryhead1

Dear National College (if that is indeed your real name),

I am writing to inform you of the resignation of @oldprimaryhead1 as a national leader of education.

It would appear that you have already written to him to outline your fears that he no longer fits the bill as a national leader and, I must say, I couldn’t agree with you more. One of the strengths required of a true leader is to make knee-jerk reactions based on an extremely limited set of data. The fact that he didn’t telegram you (your favourite method of communication I believe, second only to carrier pigeon) the moment his results crashed through his letterbox is a clear signal that this guy ain’t got the chops to be a national leader. A real national leader would have handed in their NLE dressing gown and matching sash before the results had even come through. They would have smelt it in the air. They would have known how the unknown thresholds and secret scoring system of last year’s SATs was going to impact on their school and they would have acted accordingly: told you about it rather than sort it out. The fact that @oldprimaryhead1 (like the rest of us peasants) didn’t know what the heck was going on with Gibb’s quiz last year is nothing short of a national disgrace.

Secondly, why has he not turned the results around already? He should have been working day and night to get better results and he should have sent you weekly data updates to show you that he was still worthy of your endorsement. Instead, he has chosen to spurn you with his blatant disregard of your narrow-minded criteria and concentrated on ‘other stuff’ to do with his school. What a chump.

There is also the matter that he has been supporting others. And by that I don’t mean poncing into other people’s schools telling them that ‘marking in this way is what you need to do’ whilst declaring ‘I’m an NLE don’t you know?’ like some demented cat in a hat. Instead, he has chosen to quietly support others with no fanfare. This is unacceptable from a national leader of education.

I have also heard that he has himself received support and advice from others. As if peer support is some kind of reciprocal process? I mean, take me for example: I know my place. Don’t get me wrong, I lord it up at my own school, but the minute another Head walks in who is a) from a better/richer/tougher/larger/smaller/different school, b) is wearing the special national leader hat, c) has a better class of beard than me, I immediately defer to them. That’s the way it should be. And he has been engaging with other school leaders as an equal. I’ve read his blogs. He’s even taken other people’s ideas and not had the common decency to pass them off as his own!

In short, I am glad you have requested that he prove himself to you. And I’m particularly​ pleased that you’ve asked him to do so in a 1000 word essay that is only concerned with SATs data. Ofsted may be reforming but thank the Lord you are not. You shouldn’t have to listen to a load of other reasons justifying his status that are all tediously linked to leadership in the real world; you’re far too busy (probably, I guess? You’re not actually bothering to talk to him or visit his school so you must be doing something).

No, the world of national leadership will be better off without @oldprimaryhead1. Without him we can carry on treating all those accredited leaders with the true honour and respect they deserve.

Keep up the good work fellas.

From his sworn enemy,