Ah, the twitterstorm. Am I the only one who finds these things immensely tedious? For the uninitiated (boy, you don’t know how lucky you are) let me take you through how these things normally go down.

Someone, apparently important and worthy (to their publisher anyway) writes something monumentally misguided. You know the sort of thing, the sort of thing where they sound like Jesus giving a sermon on the mount. But only if Jesus was backing up his sermon with a biblical amount of scientific evidence. Only, as we’ll see later, it’s not actually a ‘biblical’ amount of evidence, it’s more like a ‘controversial hits’ amount of evidence. This allows them to make a provocative point and share it, not as gospel (because even they know they’re not Jesus) but definitely as a point worth considering (because, although they’re not actually Jesus, they are pretty close). Plus, science and controversy didn’t do any harm for Jesus Richard Dawkins so why shouldn’t they put it out there for our consideration, if only to show us that they are not afraid to think about controversial things even if we are.

The sensible thing to do is to let them write this stuff. Read it if you want, or, don’t: simple. If you’re worried that you won’t know what you’re reading before it’s too late I’ll give you a quick piece of advice. If any blog begins with:

1. A lengthy reference to a blog they’ve already written;
2. A lengthy reference to someone else’s’ blog that disagreed with something they once said;
3. More than two quotes from some research evidence base;
4. Words so long that even Will Self wouldn’t consider using them;

then quit reading straight away.

Unfortunately, some people don’t know these tips and they read all the way to the end. And, some of these people just can’t believe it. They genuinely can’t believe what they’re reading. It’s too much for them. They can’t understand how the words even managed to get into that particular order, let alone how the person who haphazardly banged them out at the laptop – presumably blindfolded with nothing in their system save for naked ambition and half a bottle of scotch – came to the decision to press ‘share’. For them, reading this blog all the way to the end is like being stuck at a party next to someone who talks to you for five hours about why Godfather part III is the strongest of the trilogy by drawing on the user reviews of IMDb and dressing them up as the combined critiques of Barry Norman, Pauline Kael and Philip French.

Their objections tend to fall into three categories:

Tone: I know that this is a controversial opinion but if you can’t recognise its validity then you’re no better than a Sicilian scoreggia.

Level of research: It’s not just me that thinks this, Barry Kemp from Chiswick puts Godfather III above the original Godfather, Citizen Kane and Tango & Cash. So, just accept it.

The fact this point is even being made: Even though nobody has ever watched this film all the way to the end causing it to drop from public consciousness almost completely, I think it’s important I drag it up from the sleeping fishes and make us all watch it again, right now.

Inevitably, because you can’t keep good bloggers (armed with their own selection of opposing evidence) down, counter blogs are written addressing one, or all three, of these categories of dispute.

‘It may a good film in your opinion, but by calling its detractors farts you do nothing to add to the debate.’

‘If you look at most recent reviews on Rotten Tomatoes it scores an average of -13% and is, at best, described as a ‘lazy and boring finish to a fine Mafiosi saga’. To ignore this evidence is dangerous and only serves to illustrate your appalling taste in films.’

‘There’s a part three?’

And here is where the tedium really begins. Pretty soon Twitter is in meltdown and the name-calling begins to the frenzied outrage of the mob on all sides. Every time you check Twitter to see what Donald Trump has done now you can’t see the real (or fake) news without Tweechers getting in the way as they scream ‘polemic’ and ‘ad hominem’ at each other. Some even set it upon themselves to ‘school’ the rest of us in how the Twitch-hunt should be carried out: you’re all doing it wrong, you’re not meant to jump to racism straight away, you’ve got to go through personal histories, homophobic slurs, wild sexism and then racism. Blocked Twitterers are bandied around like trophy scalps with some of us trying to get in on the act by squealing ‘they blocked me once, honest!’

Then, the showdown, the main event, we all knew this was coming: the after-blog. The blogger who started all this gets back on their horse and lets us in on the torment that has been their last 48 hours. Oh, the pain. Oh, the anguish. They had no idea that this controversial and provocative piece of writing would provoke or cause controversy. They are very upset by any name-calling and, of course, that isn’t nice and doesn’t reflect well on anyone involved. Sometimes there’s an apology. Sometimes there isn’t. There’s always a re-clarification and that’s always good fun. It’s like watching a cat jolt itself awake and then look around nonchalantly as it tries to convince those around it that it didn’t happen. ‘Um, I didn’t necessarily say I believed something controversial, I just said something controversial so you would have something to think about, like how brave I was for not being afraid to say it.’

As you scan through the after-blog wondering if you can spot any sign that suggests they won’t do it again (there rarely is) it dawns on you just how vacuous and pointless this whole thing is. These people who feel the need to educate us just because they’ve read some (some being the operative sodding word) information about stuff and, rather than just share it, they feel the need to interpret it and feed us their interpretations like the baby birds we are: too weak to chew the information ourselves. None of their lofty and long-winded interpretations of this ‘scientific-evidence’ helps us in the classrooms or run schools. Why not? Because they’re not applying it to stuff they’ve done or suggesting how we can apply it ourselves. They’re simply grandiose musings on highly important things other people concluded before them. I wonder if they know, or care, that this regurgitated information just clogs up the internet with naïve pseudo-intellectual claptrap and serves no real purpose?

Don’t get me wrong, I read plenty of blogs that I don’t agree with, or that go against what I believe in. But at least those written by active teachers and leaders stem from what they’re doing. They are reflective, they show thinking and, as a result, they are interesting. The debates can be honest and civil because you can’t deny what someone is doing in their own school or classroom (unless you think they’re lying and let’s not go there). They are sometimes rooted in, not weighed down by, rhetoric or theory and, most importantly, they are based in reality which has the added bonus of making them not mind-numbingly dull.

I am not an enemy of evidence or analysis. I just like my evidence sent to me direct or analysed by an expert. I don’t loathe intellectualism. Some of my best friends are clever. I don’t mind points of view different to my own. Just don’t expect me to think the same as you because you’ve gone on an evidence safari. I don’t endorse name calling and I’m sad people are called names that they don’t feel apply to them. My advice would be that if people are going to call you names based on the things that you write, you should try to write better.

Finally, Godfather III is an awful film. Don’t believe me? That’s fine. You’re just a total moronic anti-cinephilatic dullard, that’s all.

Here are some quick tips for all you teachers about to embark on a glorious career in education.

Behaviour

1. You are the boss. Before every lesson stand in front of the staff toilet mirror and say out loud, in your best teacher voice: ‘I am the one in charge.’ (Don’t say it too loudly, though, because if the kids on detention hear you, you’re finished.) Make sure you wear your mirrored sunglasses so they can’t see the fear and doubt in your eyes. Wear built up shoes and make sure your desk is positioned at the highest point in the classroom.
2. Make a seating plan matrix and laminate it onto the children’s desks and tell them to memorise it. Before each lesson blindfold each of the children and get them to tell you who should be sat next to them to within a 5-chair radius. Do not begin a lesson until everyone knows where everyone else is sat. Watch out for sets of identical twins as they may try and mess with your mind and switch places. You can prevent this by having a copy of your original seating plan sewn into the lining of your cardigan and electronically tagging the siblings.
3. Have a Dictaphone at hand so you can quickly record incidents of misbehaviour. This will save time and, should you find yourself in the middle of a behaviour incident where you are in peril, simply press record and let the ringleaders incriminate themselves. (Just make sure that rule number one: no funny voices or fake accents, is adhered to at all times; otherwise, trying to identify them afterwards in the Head’s office can become tricky and time-consuming.)
4. All school behaviour policies were written as a laugh so older teachers could ‘punk’ you young ‘uns. It does not need to be read or enforced. In fact, if you do follow it, you are likely to suffer the forfeit of having to buy the first round in the pub on Friday.
5. Avoid blinking.
6. Have a compliance checklist and make sure that all 48 points are recited from memory before beginning any teaching.

Teaching

1. Traditionalist research shows that explanations should last no longer than 8 seconds.
2. Don’t let anyone talk over you. Hammer this point by leaving out the last word of every sentence you say out loud, followed by raising your eyebrows and giving your class an expectant look that suggests you are inviting them to finish your sentence off for you. Then, when one of them does exactly that, calmly reach for your Dictaphone.
3. Only ask rhetorical questions. That way you can’t be pulled up on your subject knowledge during an observation.
4. Pupils know nothing. This is especially true of things that they should know. Make sure all of your lessons begin with a 65-minute preamble of prior knowledge. If any pupil attempts to tell you that they already know this information, ask a rhetorical question and reach for the Dictaphone.
5. You should aim to repeat yourself at least six times per minute. The Dictaphone can play a vital role here. If you have got to the 53^rd second and have only repeated yourself five times, simply put the device on ‘double speed’ and let it do the work for you.
6. Remember, you are passing on information that the teacher next year will claim the pupils don’t know. It’s not about teaching. In fact, it’s not even about learning.

Activities

1. Pupils do not become fully compliant until 30 weeks. Do not attempt any activities during this period as they will not work. You will need to talk them into submission. It may not be fun but it will be easier on the old Dictaphone battery budget.
2. Avoid activities that require introductions that are too long or too short. If you attempt an introduction that is over twenty-seven words then you will have bored the majority of the class and your lesson will likely end in a riot. If your introduction contains fewer than four words then you will have confused the majority of the class and your lesson will likely end in a riot. If you have planned a complicated activity, such as a homemade game about the Russian Revolution that is a cross between Top Trumps, Monopoly and Kerplunk, then read out one of the 173 rules per lesson. In a year’s time you will have covered all the rules and the pupils will be ready to play.
3. Despite their lack of hands, pupils can write. You should get them to write. Get them to write loads. Just endless writing. Writing, writing, writing. The three Ws of teaching: write, write, then write again. Please note you will need to ignore the school’s marking policy if you put that much writing into your lessons.
4. If you have not taught something before then don’t worry, the children certainly won’t know it either.
5. Pupils should always put their name on a worksheet. The last twenty minutes of the lesson must be spent circling the room to make sure they have done so. You should also cross reference their worksheets with the class list sewn into your cardigan to make sure those twins aren’t playing you for a jolly fool.

Be prepared

Make sure you know how to find the following:

1. Your Dictaphone;
2. Anything you will need;
3. A spare set of anything you will need;
4. An emergency set of anything you will need;
5. Dictaphone batteries;
6. A bag of rice (don’t ask, just trust me on this).

Make sure you know what you’ll say if:

1. A pupil asks you the time;
2. A pupil asks you what lesson this is;
3. A pupil ‘sits down’ in a manner than could be described as inappropriate;
4. A pupil agrees with you in a manner that causes suspicion;
5. A pupil asks for help but doesn’t understand what it is you’re reading from your planning guide;
6. A pupil tells you that recording them on a Dictaphone is an infringement on their human rights.

And remember:

1. Rest is for the weak. Wake up and drink some Red Bull.
2. Eating is for the weak. Just substitute tea with protein shakes. You’ll be fine.
3. Make sure you aren’t expecting this job to give you, or anyone who comes into contact with you, any sense of joy or satisfaction. Pupils are not there to allow you to teach effectively, they’re there to be taught a lesson.

 

This is a homage to an original post written by the master himself.

Introducing the all new school’s dashboard.

Gone is the bland summary page, full of those statements of strengths and weaknesses, that had been automatically generated by a computer whose analysis of key data was about as sensitive and nuanced as one of Deep Thought’s farts. Rest easy, knowing that the school performance summary, that had for so long, befuddled governors as they pretended to understand what it all meant so they could challenge the content of your school improvement plan, is no more. Rejoice in the knowledge that Inspectors will now have to go without the vanilla flavoured amuse-bouche that used to whet their appetite (and pre-determine their opinions) before they began a section 5. Because everything has changed. We are entering a world of full disclosure. A data-set that has something for everyone.

Do you want to know more?

But why the overhaul? Well, besides the fact that too many people were beginning to become familiar with the dashboard (something we never like to happen) the old dashboard was just too limiting. By only gathering information from schools’ contextual data and their national end of key stage results, followed by a cross-referencing with the national picture, we were only ever able to provide a summary of academic performance: a field of vision we now believe to be too narrow in order to truly judge a school. As the department for education grows so should the data we produce. Plus, what with national tests suffering from cheating – sorry, over-aiding – and some spectacularly incompetent marking, both adding to a general sense of apathy for rigorous testing of knowledge (damn hippies) the dashboard itself was looking as relevant and interesting as the launch of the new Bake Off. The revamped dashboard is an altogether different beast that collates data from every faction of your school community.

Do you want to know more?

This dashboard is not just about what the schools have done. It is about what everyone else is also doing and how that impacts on the school’s capacity to perform. Nobody is safe. Using the latest cyber, and drone, technology we are finally able to retrieve evidence from the whole community and feed it into a complex matrix that will help Ofsted to determine how effective a school really is. But this dashboard is not just for Ofsted. It will enable everyone to judge…whilst also being judged themselves.

Do you want to know more?

Let’s start with the parents. For some time, we have been judging the school’s effectiveness in closing the gap between disadvantaged pupils and their peers. This, it turns out, is only one tiny part of the picture. We are now able analyse parent attitudes and actions towards their child’s school and determine if the parents themselves are a help or hindrance to a school’s success. One of the ways in which we do this is by monitoring social media and cross referencing this with an annual freedom of information request for the number of times the parents have discussed the same issues with the school. If parents are openly negative about the school on social media but do not seek to engage with the school then they will be judged to have a negative impact on the school’s capacity to raise standards.

For a parent to be judged as having a positive impact on the school’s capacity to raise standards then, although they may not always necessarily agree with all school decisions, they will always engage with the school respectfully, and through the appropriate channels, and will most likely support the school ethos. Schools will be asked to keep a permanent record of their top ten parents and carers who they believe to be their most positive and negative influencers. This information will be available on the dashboard which schools must publish on their websites.

Do you want to know more?

During an inspection, the Inspectors will expect to speak to these key parents that will, alongside additional data collected during the visit, enable them to make a judgement of the school’s parent pull. This is a measure that seeks to determine by what degree the school is enabled by the parent community. A negative pull score may indicate that a school faces a statistically significant negative mind-set challenge from its community that may hinder its performance. A positive pull score may indicate that the parents are fully behind the school and work with them in a supportive and/or challenging role. On the dashboard, a school’s effectiveness in other areas of the inspection framework will be off-set by their parent pull score. For example, a good performing school with a negative parent pull score will likely have a leadership and management judgement rated higher than a similarly, or lower, performing school, but who have a positive parent pull score. Confused? Good. Additionally, the dashboard will make very clear whether the parent community are outstanding or good contributors to the school’s success or whether they require improvement. If the parents are judged to be inadequate the governors and PTA will be expected to put in place a parent improvement plan within three weeks with some parents being excluded from social media until sufficient improvements have been made.

Do you want to know more?

It’s not just parents that will have a new section on the dashboard. Using drone technology, it will be possible to garner an overview of acceptable staff behaviour and attitudes within the school. The staff drone will record on-site conversations between teachers and support staff and then analyse them against a series of DfE approved vocabulary sets and professional standards keywords. This data will be extrapolated to provide an overall level of in-school professionalism score that will be used when judging the effectiveness and genuineness of staff. Any anomalies or spikes in undesirable words/phrases will provide Inspectors with a line of enquiry during the inspection process. Senior leaders will also be given a test where they will be expected to identify teachers in at least eight out of the ten most common conversations had between members of staff. This score, as well as the actual in-school professionalism score of the staff, will be available on the dashboard and emailed to parents one day before an inspection.

Do you want to know more?

The dashboard will also be able to identify the professionalism, as well as the work-life balance, of staff outside of school. Cyber-monitoring of all teachers’ computers and mobile devices will be able to detect if they are engaging in online or social media activities in a positive or corrosive manner. Before an inspection, the governors will be given an electronic dossier of the online content created by members of staff and they will be required to formally respond to Inspectors in a manner that is judged to be proportional and appropriate. Failure to do so will impact on the Inspectors’ judgement on governors’ knowledge of the school. The dashboard will publish an appropriate range of online content generated by staff compete with profile pics. Any anonymous users of social media will not be formally identified but, by then, it will probably be too late.

Do you want to………Ctrl Alt Delete…………..Ctrl Alt Delete…………SHUT DOWN…………………………..SHUT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!